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Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Final Edition (which should please many)

JC: Good afternoon and welcome to the final 2019 edition of Tuesday Morning Quarterback, brought to you today by the makers of Kaopectate, who remind you during the holiday season … “Take Kaopectate, and get your $#!+ together.” Well, Kev, this is the time each year when we take a look back and break down the Pirate football season.

KM: Not sure the 2019 season needed any help in breaking down.

JC: Nonsense, Kev! There were lots of positives during the season. And I can see that even without my purple-tinted glasses from Opticians East, with three convenient locations in Greenville, Snow Hill and Bethel … and one very inconvenient one in Chocowinity. Kev, it all starts with wins and losses, and the Pirates increased their win production from a year ago by 33 percent! 33 percent! Only a handful of teams can say that. Alabama can’t. Clemson can’t. You won’t hear ’em saying that at The Ohio State University.

KM: Yeah, it’s hard to win 33 percent more than 15.

JC: Amen, brother. And that’s just one example. A quick look at the UBE stat sheet shows a number of areas where the Pirates were right up there this year. Take kickoff returns. The Pirates had 655 yards of returns during the year, including one that was taken to the house by Tyler Snead - first one since … well, Lord only knows when.

KM: Well, to be clear, those 655 yards came on 41 returns.

JC: That’s right, but our opponents only ran back 16 kickoffs for 388 yards. Advantage, Pirates! The numbers don’t lie, Kev. And then there’s success in the Anusol® Red Zone, where the Pirates scored touchdowns 46 percent of the times they made it inside the 20! At my age, I don’t even have that kind of success rate in the men’s room.

KM: All I can say is thank God for Jake Verity.

JC: Yeah, his legs were more valuable than Betty Grable’s.

KM: Whose?

JC: Before your time. Well, Kev, continuing down the stat sheet, the Pirate ball-control offense really paid off, as they amassed 5 hours, 52 minutes in time of possession during the year.

KM: Wow, that’s almost as long as Frozen 2.

JC: The Pirates were also infinitely better than their opponents in onside kick success.

KM: You mean 1 versus 0?

JC: That’s right, Kev. Binarically speaking, we were hands-down dominant.

KM: Well, Coach Houston has a bit more work to do on defense before the 2020 campaign after the Pirates gave up 3.2 miles during the year.

JC: Maybe a little fine-tuning, but it’s easy to see the puzzle pieces are all there. Did you see how fast our guys were chasing down receivers in the last couple games? They nearly caught a couple before they scored! That’s team speed we haven’t seen in Dowdy-Ficklen in years.

KM: I guess if I squint just right, I can see it.

JC: No need to squint, Kev. Try on these shades from Opticians East … with two friendly locations … and two others where you’ll be ridiculed, pantsed and likely gored with a shiv.

KM: Wow! I see what you mean. Everything looks better in these. Tell me, is there a limit on how many season tickets I can order for next year?

JC: That’s what I like to hear. Chalk another one up for Opticians East, with 3 highly trained optometrists ready to serve you … and one surly, Web-surfing teenager who couldn't care less if you live or die.

Well, that’s all the time we have today. Thanks for a great football season and … have a … great year, everybody.

Posted: 12/02/2019 at 5:24PM


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Current Thread:
  Good season 82. Best stuff since Hike Boom ** -- PortCityPirate 12/02/2019 7:44PM
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